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  • Eight is So Very Much Enough

    Brian Braiker | May 9, 2008 08:50 PM
    OK so I'm never going whine about having two little kids. This is a vow to you people. Never again shall I moan about how scared I am about having more than one little one, about losing sleep, about how hard life is as a parent and boo-hoo-hoo. You see i have made a horrifying discovery: I have discovered Jon & Kate Plus 8.

    Those of you with lives who aren't watching Oprah every other minute or religiously tuning into the TLC because you're actually sane might not know what I'm talking about. Allow me to breakitdown:

    I was at the gym the other day, a rare treat. Riding the ol' stationary bike. Watching TV. Totally zoned out. It was great. I'm flipping through the channels and because I don't really know my way around the cable lineup, not having cable at home, I'm just randomly watching whatever. I start with The Hills. I don't really get The Hills, but then I know I'm not the target demographic. I do think my soul died a little bit the day I learned who Spencer Pratt was. (Although, I will say this: JustinBobby is kind of rad.) I can't get mad at these children--they're pretty, paid handsomely to have nary a care in the world.

    A a commercial break, I start surfing the channels. I end up on a scene where some mom is wrangling her kids into the kitchen. She appears to have two or three of them. "Ah," I say to myself, "This looks familiar. Herding cats. Heh." I watch for a minute and it slowly begins to dawn on me, she has more than three kids. Actually, wait. There's another. She has more than four kids. Dear God. She has more than five kids, seven kids. She has eight freaking kids. And they're all under the age of six or something.

    It was at this very moment that my brain broke.

    I stayed on the bike for about three hours, my broken brain attempting to process episode after episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Absolutely captivating television. The scoop, for those of you who don't know it: Jon and Kate Gosselin  couldn't get pregnant so they took fertility drugs. Then they had twins. So very cute. A sane person would have stopped right there. But they are, apparently, not very sane. She says she wanted to have just one more baby because she didn't know what it was like to not have to split her attention between two babies. Ah, but the cosmos loves a good practical joke. Instead of one baby she had ... six. At one time. A whole litter of pups.

    My broken brain was trying so hard to understand this fact. Eight kids. All under the age of four. In one house. Sweet Jesus.

    After watching Jon & Kate for a while (they are, it turns out, very charming and kind of badass, if a little too heavy on the God stuff, at least on their Website), I toggled back over to The Hills. The blonde one was on some date with some cute boy she went to high school with or something and they were all like giving each other loaded meaningful glances over uneaten frisee salad and triple skim lattes and talking about the crisis in Darfur. No, wait. They were discussing recent breakthroughs in string theory and quantum physics. Hahah. I'm kidding of course. They were talking about, well, it's hard to explain, but I'm sure it was something meaningful about, like, cool stuff. that they bought shopping. And like. Yeah. Whatever. Also, Audrina's a slut.

    I toggle back to Jon & Kate and there they are just trying to get through breakfast alive. It's chaos plus insanity times madness to the power of crazy. I'd buy a whole haberdashery just so I could tip every single hat in it. Man.

    Talk about two very different "reality" shows.

    This is when my broken brain formed it's first idea since breaking. It was a fantasy. My fantasy is this: I want Heidi and Spencer to have eight kids. I want Lauren and Brody to have eight kids. I want Audrina and JustinBobby  to have eight kids. I want all those little Hills turds to have eight kids just for one day. That is something I'd subscribe to cable to watch.

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  • Breaking: Bonaduce

    Brian Braiker | Mar 26, 2008 05:41 PM
    As if an entire reality show devoted to the travails of an utterly charmless Danny Bonaduce wasn't enough, now VH1 has created it's own special brand of network-endorsed child abuse. Hosted by the erstwhile Partridge, I Know My Kid's a Star pits a gaggle of tweens against each other—and their own parents—to determine who's got enough "it factor" to become the next child star.

    Best part of the show's debut: an unfortunate lass is so nervous upon meeting Bonaduce and the other contestants in the beginning of the show that she pukes into the bushes. Your heart breaks for the girl. And while some might argue this is only a natural reaction to meeting Bonaduce in the fleshy-flesh, clearly it's the most accurate review the show will ever get.

    Instead of delighting in the ridiculous behavior of the parents—like the pressuring, porny stage mom Rocky who is clearly showboating vicariously through her nervous wreck of a daughter—you find yourself fighting the impulse to call child protective services. There is good cringe-inducing TV and very, very bad cringe-inducing TV. Guess which one this is. While Bonaduce, of all people, says he wants to help kids avoid the dangerous emotional and chemical pitfalls of child stardom, here he seems determined to drive these tykes straight to Lohan-ville. Only, you know, without the stardom part. Stay classy, VH1!

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  • Kids: To TV or Not TV?

    Editors | Feb 9, 2008 04:58 PM
     

    Parents who feel guilty about letting their kids watch TV might breathe a sigh of relief after talking to Deborah Linebarger. Linebarger, an assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Annenberg School for Communication who studies the effects of media on young children, has let all her kids watch some TV from the time they were babies. “There’s evidence now that certain kinds of programming can help kids with language development and can be beneficial in moderation,” she says.

    Some studies have linked TV and videogames with obesity and attention-deficit disorders. And the American Academy of Pediatrics says kids younger than 2 shouldn’t watch any television at all. But, despite these warnings, 90 percent of 2-year-olds regularly watch TV, DVDs or videos, and one third of 3- to 6-year-olds have a TV in their bedroom. So child-development experts have turned their attention to helping parents make smart choices. A growing body of research shows that, if parents select programming wisely, set time limits and watch with their kids as much as possible, children are likely to benefit rather than suffer any negative consequences. “I don’t think TV screens for any age should be dealt with as something toxic,” says Dr. Michael Rich, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital Boston and director of its Center on Media and Child Health (cmch.tv). Some advice on helping your children navigate the video landscape:

    Ages 0 to 2.There’s nothing better for infants’ development than human interaction,” says Dr. Dimitri Christakis, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington and coauthor of “The Elephant in the Living Room: Make Television Work for Your Kids.” Last year Christakis coauthored a study that found a correlation between baby video and DVD viewing and poor language development in babies ages 8 to 16 months. But Linebarger says to follow your kid’s cues. If your child seems interested in TV, an 11- to 12-minute episode of a commercial-free show like Nickelodeon’s “Blue’s Clues” or PBS’s “Arthur” is unlikely to do harm and could help him learn new words. Preliminary research by Rebekah Richert, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, shows that babies as young as 18 months are capable of learning new words from DVDs like Baby Einstein’s “Baby Wordsworth” as long as “parents direct their children’s attention to the screen and label particular words.”

    Ages 2 to 5. In Linebarger’s research, watching such programs as Nickelodeon’s “Dora the Explorer” and “Blue’s Clues” and PBS’s “Arthur,” “Clifford” and “Dragon Tales” was linked with increased vocabulary in kids ages 6 months to 2½ years, while such shows as PBS’s “Teletubbies” were linked with decreased vocabulary. Choose programs with a linear plotline, as opposed to a variety-show format, because they’re easier for toddlers to follow.

    Ages 6 to 10. “There’s not as much programming for kids once they start school that’s of high quality,” says Christakis. But kids in this age group are not yet ready for prime-time TV, and parents will need to hunt around for more-appropriate content. Prescreen as much as possible to make sure the show you’re watching is teaching your child the same values you are, and check review sites like parentschoice .org or commonsensemedia.org. Linebarger also recommends documentary-style shows on the History Channel and the Discovery Channel. Michael Levine, executive director of the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop, a new organization dedicated to improving the educational content of digital media, says to limit screen time to one hour per day, discuss TV shows and games with your kids after they’ve viewed them, and read daily with them for at least 20 minutes. As with nutrition, a healthy media diet is all about balance.

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  • Pimpin' for My Man

    Brian Braiker | Dec 1, 2007 03:53 PM

    Hey, as long as you're here, why not check out these other fine child-related entries that Newsweek has on offer:

    Peg Tyre reports, unfortunately, that "Six years after No Child Left Behind was signed into law—and U.S. schools began throwing resources into teaching all kinds of kids to read and read well—fourth-graders in the United States are doing no better in reading than they were in 2001, according to the results of an international reading test released this week." In fact they're not only doing "no better" ... they're doing worse. Don't believe the DOE hype!

    Maybe they should be watching Yo Gabba Gabba. Jessica Bennett gets her interview on with Biz "Oh Snap!" Markie. He wants to be the black Mister Rogers. Who may or may not have been dropped on his head at some crucial developmental stage.

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  • Children's Television: Yesterday vs. Today

    Brian Braiker | Nov 2, 2007 11:34

    Yesterday: Yay!

    Today: Boooo!

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