On Friday, Stumper wrote
that Mike Huckabee superfan--or is it "Huckafan"?--Chuck Norris could
be hurting his candidate of choice by appearing at nearly campaign
stop, and that he may want to consider returning to his day job hawking
Total Gym exercise equipment.
We take it back.
Not because the star of Sidekicks has suddenly become, like, relevant. Au contraire.
Rather, after reading what Norris said yesterday during a fundraising
barbecue on his Texas ranch, I've decided that Walker, Texas Ranger is
just too ridiculous not to keep around.
Coupling his legendary command of advanced mathematics with his vast
knowledge of human physiology, Norris told reporters that serving as
president accelerates the aging process "three-to-one"--meaning that,
according to his calculations, John McCain, now 71, will be dead by
2012.
"If John takes over the presidency at 72 and he ages three-to-one,
how old
will he be in four years? Eighty-four years old," Norris said, as
Huckabee looked on. "That's why I didn't pick John to support, because
I'm just afraid
the vice president will wind up taking over his job within that
four-year presidency."
A brilliant argument, Mr. Norris. Coincidentally, Huckabee, at 52,
is the youngest candidate in the Republican field--and therefore the
least likely to expire as a result of the office's "trebled" aging
effect. I can see why you support him.
I do, however, have one quibble with your arithmetic. Assuming that
your theorem is valid--and why wouldn't it be, really?--both Jimmy
Carter and George H.W. Bush would now be 91 in "Chuck Norris years."
That's older than 84--the age at which you predicted the mature
Arizonan will croak. And reliable sources tell Stumper that Bush and
Carter are still alive.
Not to mention the fact that Ronald Reagan was 93 (à la Norris) when he left office, and lived to be 109.
On the other hand, though, James K. Polk shuffled off this mortal coil at the tender Norris age of 63.
So you never can tell.
UPDATE, 11:15 a.m.: McCain kicks back, telling NBC's First Read, "I'm afraid that I might
have to send my 95-year-old mother over and wash Chuck's mouth out with
soap." Details of the pending cage match to come.
