Jenna, light of my life, fire of my... Oh, wait. Sorry. Didn't see you there. Crying? Who? Me? What makes you think that? Oh, right--the salted tears streaming down my face and falling to the floor beneath my desk, where I lie in the fetal position, silent and still. Those. I guess you've got a point there. For the First Family, this has been a joyous day: 25-year-old daughter Jenna Welch Bush--the blonde one--is now engaged to Henry Hager, 29, son of the Honorable and Mrs. John H. Hager of Richmond, Virginia. But for us members of the American media, today has been as dark as each shot of Jagermeister that Jenna "Hager" will never do. "Devoted wife and mother" doesn't have quite the same ring, sadly, as "brash, boozy, barely legal twin." Nothing gold can stay.

When Jenna arrived at the White House in 2000, after eight earnest, awkward years of Chelsea Clinton, Washington welcomed her with open arms. And that was before the fun began. Within a month, the then 19-year-old UT-Austin student coerced a Secret Service agent into springing a buddy from a Texas slammer after he was arrested for public drunkenness. Then she landed on the cover of the National Enquirer, smoking a cigarette and falling to the floor atop a giggling gal-pal. Then she was cited, in Austin, for underage drinking. Then she tried to sweet-talk a bartender into serving her liquor and, when he refused, fled from her security detail down a back alley, yelling that her father would "have your ass." Then she was arrested after slipping another bartender a fake ID. Then she partied with Diddy. And Chris Cornell of Audioslave. And Ashton Kutcher, who claimed that he witnessed a friend "smoking [pot with] the Bush twins on his hookah." We all knew where such behavior would lead: a pantyless paparazzi picture, a shaved head, a sex tape, a stint in rehab, a Chihuahua. And we rejoiced.

Until today, when our world came crashing down. In truth, the warning signs first appeared long ago. After graduating from college, Jenna took a job in Washington as a public-school teacher. She's since interned with UNICEF in Panama and sold two books--one about her experiences in Latin America, the other a children's book co-authored with her mother--to Harper Collins. And false reports of an engagement to Hager have surfaced several times since the pair started dating in 2005. Yawn.

Then again, all may not be lost. Although Hager seems likes a respectable young Republican -- the son of a former tobacco executive and Assistant Secretary of Education who now runs the Virginia GOP, he graduated from Wake Forest before interning for Karl Rove and working at commerce -- you know what they always say: "Women marry their fathers." Which means we've still got a good 25 years of non-stop partying before Hager is elected leader of the free world. If not, there's always the bachelorette party.

Out Front: Romney. Photo: Khue Bui for Newsweek 

They didn't have to bring in Katherine Harris, but it almost felt that way. Results from the Ames Straw Poll in Iowa were delayed more than an hour, after one of the Diebold machines used to tally the votes malfunctioned forcing a recount of 1,500 ballots. (Déjà vu, anyone?) No surprise, the big winner was Mitt Romney, who got 4,516 (or 32 percent of the vote).

But the big headline of the night was Mike Huckabee's second place finish. The former Arkansas governor, who barely ranks on many national polls, finished with 18 percent of the vote, or 2,587 votes. Romney finished well ahead, but Huckabee's victory was notable because the former Arkansas governor spent almost nothing on his get out the vote efforts. While Romney and rival Sam Brownback (who finished a disappointing 3rd place, with 15 percent of the vote) each had more than 100 buses bring in supporters, Huckabee's campaign operated on the cheap. "No buses... we couldn't afford it," a jubilant Huckabee told reporters afterwards. "It's David and Goliath and a smooth stone. That's the only way I can explain it."

How did the frontrunners do? Rudy Giuliani, up in most national polls, declined to participate in the straw vote, and he got only 183 votes (1 percent) out of the 14,302 ballots cast. John McCain got 101 votes, while Fred Thompson got 1.4 percent with 203 votes. It's hard to say if the poll results will do much in terms of winnowing the field. Tommy Thompson, who finished in fourth place, has said he would drop out if he didn't finish in the top three. And all eyes will surely be on Brownback, who spent a lot of money to attract votes at Ames but in the end had little to show for it.

Remember all that downplaying the Romney campaign did on the eve of the vote? Well, on one hand, they were right. The number of overall ballots cast were down more than half compared to 2000, when George W. Bush easily won the poll. Yet, just as your Gaggler predicted, that didn't dampen the Romney camp's excitement, which quickly touted the former governor's "overwhelming victory." We'll have to wait until October to find out how much Romney spent per vote cast-ditto for the other campaigns. But one thing is clear: Romney and Huckabee are almost in the same boat. Both camps are hoping the Ames result will spark some momentum heading into fall, especially among voters outside of Iowa where both have struggled to catch fire. The ballots may be counted, but the judgment on whether the Ames Straw Poll waned in influence this year is still out.

It's not easy being on a diet when you're at the Iowa State Fair. Just ask Mike Huckabee. The former Arkansas governor dropped more than 200 pounds before he jumped in the race for the GOP presidential nomination. On Friday, he gave a speech at the fair in a last-minute attempt to woo voters on the eve of the Ames Straw Poll. Going to the Iowa fair is considered a right of passage for anyone with White House ambitions. Ditto for testing out the food, which includes everything from funnel cakes to deep fried pickles. How can Huckabee, now a healthy heart evangelist, resist all the transfat temptations? Huckabee admits it's tough going, but says he plans to follow a basic rule. "If it wasn't a food 100 years ago, it's not a food today," he told your Gaggler. In other words, corn dogs are out. "We'll let you have that," he said. (Thanks, but we've already had two.) All around us, the air was thick with the soul satisfying aroma of artery hardening treats. But Huckabee, like any wartime Commander in Chief In Waiting, stayed the course. "I saw the Fried Twinkie booth over there. he said with firm resolve. "You aren't going to see me in that line." He also vetoed some of the fair's more exotic offerings, including the potato lollypop--"Potato what?" he said, and waved it away.

Huckabee's fortitude is, on the one hand, admirable. But for voters in Iowa, it may also hint at a troubling, Bush-like stubborn streak--a refusal to admit when he's wrong and make course corrections when the facts on the ground demand them. Case in point: Huckabee, who proclaims himself a patriot, outright refused even a single forkful of the fair's proudest culinary achievement: the sublime Hot Beef Sundae. This siren song of mashed potatoes smothered with chipped beef, cheese and gravy is so deeply, Americanly delicious that just one bite is enough to make all who taste it place their hands on their hearts and spontaneously recite the National Anthem. Yet Huckabee was unmoved by its obvious appeal. "You've got to be kidding me," he said incredulously when your Gaggler tried to tempt him. "My gosh. Even in my fattest days, that doesn't appeal to me." So sad. But then, perhaps sensing that Republican straw poll voters might think twice about the bona fides of a candidate who goes to a fair and orders salad, Huckabee went off in search of manly fare that wouldn't betray his principals. "I'm looking for meat," he said. "A pork chop. That's something good and decent."

What’s the secret behind Mitt Romney’s surge in the Iowa polls? Maybe it’s the food. The former Massachusetts governor has been pulling out all the stops to win this weekend’s Ames Straw Poll, blanketing Iowa with new TV ads and organizing buses to get supporters to the polls on Saturday. But his campaign is also throwing lots of money behind free food. On Wednesday, Romney held one of his "Ask Mitt Anything" town halls at a restaurant outside Iowa City, where prospective Romney supporters were treated to a free buffet. And we’re not talking sandwiches or finger food. Think Las Vegas style: shrimp cocktail, platters of steak, pasta salad, mashed potatoes and at least 10 different kinds of dessert, including strawberry cheesecake, brownies and multi-layer chocolate cake. Compare this to Duncan Hunter, who’s spent the past few days campaigning outside McDonald's restaurants around the state, where sad to say he wasn’t handing out Big Macs.

Wooing voters’ hearts through their stomachs is nothing new, especially in Iowa where presidential candidates are judged not only by their foreign policy skills but by their ability to flip a pancake. But you have to wonder: Are these people showing up for the candidate or for the free lunch? Romney held four food-related events on Wednesday and has five on his schedule today, including two coffees and an ice cream social. No word on what he’s planning to feed his supporters in Ames-though he’s already got competition from Sam Brownback, who’s talked up his barbecue, and Mike Huckabee, who is air-lifting a 150-pound watermelon in from Arkansas.

John McCain’s presidential campaign may be struggling, but he’s getting some love on the trail in Iowa. Stumping near Mason City on Monday, Rudy Giuliani praised the Arizona senator, not once but twice, telling his audience that if he weren’t waging his own bid for the White House that he’d be campaigning for McCain. “He’d be my candidate,” Giuliani said, telling voters, among other things, that he agrees with McCain’s position on Iraq. “I admire the man tremendously.”

That’s some serious sweet talk, considering Rudy was out touting his own bid for the White House. In fact, his declaration prompted some surprised looks among audience members, including reporters on the scene. After all, it was less than two months ago that Giuliani and McCain got into a big time fight over immigration reform. Rudy was no fan of a McCain-sponsored bill in the Senate, trashing it during June’s CNN GOP debate as a “typical Washington mess.” That prompted an angry response from McCain, who snittily suggested that Giuliani should read the bill before criticizing it.

Sam Brownback is really on a roll. First, as The Gaggle reported earlier, he picked a fight with Mitt Romney and Tom Tancredo, paying for phone calls to Iowa voters trashing their conservative credentials. Now, with the Ames Straw Poll a little more than a week away, Brownback is trying to put the smack down on Mike Huckabee--and The Huck is smacking back. Now, your Gaggler wasn't even going to go there, because come on, two guys with poll numbers in single digits dragging each other through the mud isn't exactly race-changing news. But it's suddenly gotten all WWE or something.

It all started earlier this week, when the Brownback campaign got wind of a letter that Iowa Rev. Tim Rude, a prominent evangelical pastor and Huckabee supporter, sent to a few other church leaders in the state. In it, Rude talked up Huckabee for being a Southern Baptist and trashed Brownback for being a Catholic. "Frankly, as a recovering Catholic myself, that is all I need to know about his discernment compared to (Huckabee's)," Rude wrote. Confronted with the email on Tuesday, Rude apologized, saying his remarks weren't meant for public consumption, and they weren't intended to be "anti-Catholic." Afterwards Huckabee, in a statement, said that he was glad Rude apologized. "They were not authorized by, disseminated by, approved by, or condoned by the campaign," Huckabee said, noting that many of his staffers are Catholic. But that wasn't enough for the Brownback campaign, which demanded a more explicit apology from the former Arkansas governor. "Does Governor Huckabee denounce Pastor Rude's anti-Catholic comments, or not?" a Brownback spokesman told reporters Wednesday.