By Jerry Adler

I. Carbon Country

Oh beautiful for spacious skies

Beneath which cows metabolize

All those amber waves of grain

And fill the heavens with methane.

For purple mountain majesties

Whose glaciers melt and lakes won’t freeze

Yes, my country, ‘tis of thee--

Land of private property--

I sing. And of the fruited plains

Which someday soon will sprout plantains.

And coconuts to fill the cargo

Holds of ships that dock in Fargo

When shining sea meets shining sea

In Iowa or Tennessee.

II. The Deep Blue Sea

Could global warming be a plot

To erase a certain spot

From the map, say, one specific

Island chain in the Pacific?

A clever scheme by hard-core birthers,

And others better called flat-Earthers,

To raise the ocean all around

Hawaii, till the place is drowned?

That’ll show Barack Obama!

It won’t matter who his mama

Was, because he’ll have been born in

A state from which you can’t be sworn in.

Because it isn’t on the map!

And on the flag we’ll leave a gap

For Hawaii’s missing star.

And appoint a Coastline Czar

To assure no son or daughter

Of a state that’s under water

Ever gets to raise a hand

To take the oath to rule the land.